idio_tech (idio_tech) wrote,

  • Music:

There and back

Oh come back to you after all these years apart, or, years of such a false relationship. Here I am, back at your white page and your ariel font.

I am embarked on this edge of freedom within my life. It is the essence of being twenty one years old. It is the essence of being a young, single, female, American. I could become anything I want to. I have dipped into this freedom. For one I have seen all askew with religion and thrown it to the wind. I have made my own decision about my person convictions and beliefs. I have seen the ideology that is April Sellers in other people's eyes and then again within my own. I have seen the version of myself through others eyes, this version that I have always seen as my true self and I have realized that I have to become that version within my own eyes if I am ever to truly be happy in my own life. Because I have learned that in the long run all you actually have is yourself. You may even be one of the lucky ones who actually ends up in a committed relationship for the rest of your life, but in those months prior to that, in those situations where you actually do feel alone, in your own head, and on your death bed it really is just you there. You are the only real guarantee you have in life, and that is vital to at least like yourself enough that you can deal with that. Well, I feel as though I have finally grasped the idea of that person in full view, and while I feel like I am always caught on the edge of that being, or not quite there, at least I can feel/see the edge. At least I can cross that border. I see that perhaps the goal is to create habits, then we shall see.

I am beginning to break through that wall that has been imposing for several months now. That "adult wall" if you will, that is rational, and logical. That wall that tells me not to say certain things because of consequences. That wall, that is, in reality your conscious. It's beginning to break through, and I am beginning to trust it.

I have realized you actually do have to try in life. You actually have to do your best. I always assumed that as a sort of myth, and that in reality you could "get by" if you were lazy. But I realized that getting by in that way isn't really getting by at all. So I have discovered, though I was always taught, you actually should do your best at everything you do. I feel like I am beginning to give 10% more...but I know that I am not quite at that "best" mark. I have realized if you want your ambitions to succeed you really do need to try your damndest.

I have also realized that I grew up in a home where I was educated right there. So because of that my mother was also my teacher, and vice versa. Due to my difficulty to concentrate on something I was disinterested in. Due to my difficulty in concentrating on any one thing for any real period of time. Due to the difficulty in being able to point out things within the big picture rather than getting caught on individual things/ concepts/ etc. she gave up on certain things. She let me be independent in those ways. Which, honestly, I think was good. Because if she hadn't let me have my independence I would have become more frustrated and probably rebelled. But now, like every young adult in their own brand new life, I am beginning to see all the flaws I have accumulated over the years through these issues. I am in fact one of the messiest people I have ever met, and I don't see the mess. I've found little to no reason to not day dream all day long, at work, or wherever I may be. I space out on what I want to, and make up my own little world all inside my head. I don't participate in reality all too much. I don't participate period. Because in my own mentality I have developed a stigma against myself. Due to the fact that I don't apply myself, and because I didn't apply myself or try very hard throughout any of my adolescence I just assume I "can't" do certain things. Well, that's obviously bullshit because of coarse I can. I am an intelligent person. I know this for a fact within the small accomplishments I have made throughout my life on my own when it comes to my intellect. I do know I am a talented person because of accomplishments I have made in those areas. And I do know I am good with people, perhaps a little too good sometimes.

So I suppose my recent endeavors have taught me that I need to pay attention in life. At all times. I need to truly concentrate on everything around me. I can't live in my own world. And I need to do my damndest. I will self-motivate myself, and I will fucking amaze myself. Because I feel like progress has knocked on my door, and I have already opened.
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