?

Log in

No account? Create an account
idio_tech's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
idio_tech

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Conundrum [29 Aug 2009|04:20am]
This is the most intelligent thing I have yet to proclaim...for the simple reason that it is being aware of myself.

Something is wrong with me, that I absolutely cannot function early in the morning (I am talking about 4 AM) wheather I have slept well, or not. I cannot react properly to it. It instills an  anger in me, I get very stressed, it is a trigger to my OCD that I do NOT know how to stop. So I need to stop doing that under all circumstancces. 

There is also something psychological to the messes I make. I need to figure this out.
conundrum

Rant on such a patriarchal society. [20 Jul 2009|11:50pm]
Good lord, look at me. I'm posting everyday. They are open to the public. I think I am making very positive changes around here. Why, I even brought back HTML to my journal, and yes, yes it is the same base HTML Melissa gave me to work with four years ago on my old LJ.

My mind wanders entirely throughout the day, and only really focuses at night. It seems to only be that I can find real ambition late at night when I know that all the pieces are precisely where they are supposed to be.

I just finished the book "Manifesta" which was very good. It's about feminism and women's history. It points out a lot of the flaws within our society. I find feminism to be incredibly interesting because, well, women in general around sexism a lot everyday, and I am definitely no exception to that. I experience it everyday at work.

Some of the things most noticeably noted is that women have developed a stigma against themselves in their brains. Which, I don't hold against women because again, I am no exception to this rule. I think it is very sad, and unfortunate though. I think it needs to change.

When girls of my generation were growing up they were taught that they could do, and be anything. At some point it is like we get so accustomed to such assiduous, patriarchal society that we just kind of forget about what we had always thought of ourselves, or been taught, or just knew to be the truth, and we accept this new fate we are given.

This new fate. Which consists of how we are going to get married to some dashing man, and keep him pleasured and happy. While we raise our two children. Because we will inevitably be stay at home mothers...so we can raise the children of course. Because, after all that is our job in society. If we do end up working we will be secretaries. On the weekends we will do things like cook, clean, or mend clothes for the family. While our husbands sit on their asses watching tv, or mow the lawn or something such as that. It's much different than my childhood dream of supporting me and my six year old wife, Jaqueline, off of my career in karate. But this is what we are told. That we can't be athletes, or musicians, or outdoorsey women, or do construction, or have high paying CEO jobs. This is what we are told. That we have to hope we luck out and get good cards in life because we can't stand up enough for ourselves to turn those cards around. It's ridiculous, and downright sad. This is what we are told to accept, though. We are taught we have to be a size 6, and we better maintain our looks cus' it's all we've got, and we better not walk alone at night...cus' something will happen to us. We are made to believe we are worth nothing more than sex appeal and that if something were to happen to us, it's kind of our own fault for walking alone at night.

Bullshit.

I never have bought any of that shit, and never will. I am my own person, and my gender doesn't define me (as it shouldn't define any other woman) by anything more than your biological, anatomical body.

conundrum

There and back [19 Jul 2009|08:00pm]
Oh Livejournal...to come back to you after all these years apart, or, years of such a false relationship. Here I am, back at your white page and your ariel font.

I am embarked on this edge of freedom within my life. It is the essence of being twenty one years old. It is the essence of being a young, single, female, American. I could become anything I want to. I have dipped into this freedom. For one I have seen all askew with religion and thrown it to the wind. I have made my own decision about my person convictions and beliefs. I have seen the ideology that is April Sellers in other people's eyes and then again within my own. I have seen the version of myself through others eyes, this version that I have always seen as my true self and I have realized that I have to become that version within my own eyes if I am ever to truly be happy in my own life. Because I have learned that in the long run all you actually have is yourself. You may even be one of the lucky ones who actually ends up in a committed relationship for the rest of your life, but in those months prior to that, in those situations where you actually do feel alone, in your own head, and on your death bed it really is just you there. You are the only real guarantee you have in life, and that is vital to at least like yourself enough that you can deal with that. Well, I feel as though I have finally grasped the idea of that person in full view, and while I feel like I am always caught on the edge of that being, or not quite there, at least I can feel/see the edge. At least I can cross that border. I see that perhaps the goal is to create habits, then we shall see.

I am beginning to break through that wall that has been imposing for several months now. That "adult wall" if you will, that is rational, and logical. That wall that tells me not to say certain things because of consequences. That wall, that is, in reality your conscious. It's beginning to break through, and I am beginning to trust it.

I have realized you actually do have to try in life. You actually have to do your best. I always assumed that as a sort of myth, and that in reality you could "get by" if you were lazy. But I realized that getting by in that way isn't really getting by at all. So I have discovered, though I was always taught, you actually should do your best at everything you do. I feel like I am beginning to give 10% more...but I know that I am not quite at that "best" mark. I have realized if you want your ambitions to succeed you really do need to try your damndest.

I have also realized that I grew up in a home where I was educated right there. So because of that my mother was also my teacher, and vice versa. Due to my difficulty to concentrate on something I was disinterested in. Due to my difficulty in concentrating on any one thing for any real period of time. Due to the difficulty in being able to point out things within the big picture rather than getting caught on individual things/ concepts/ etc. she gave up on certain things. She let me be independent in those ways. Which, honestly, I think was good. Because if she hadn't let me have my independence I would have become more frustrated and probably rebelled. But now, like every young adult in their own brand new life, I am beginning to see all the flaws I have accumulated over the years through these issues. I am in fact one of the messiest people I have ever met, and I don't see the mess. I've found little to no reason to not day dream all day long, at work, or wherever I may be. I space out on what I want to, and make up my own little world all inside my head. I don't participate in reality all too much. I don't participate period. Because in my own mentality I have developed a stigma against myself. Due to the fact that I don't apply myself, and because I didn't apply myself or try very hard throughout any of my adolescence I just assume I "can't" do certain things. Well, that's obviously bullshit because of coarse I can. I am an intelligent person. I know this for a fact within the small accomplishments I have made throughout my life on my own when it comes to my intellect. I do know I am a talented person because of accomplishments I have made in those areas. And I do know I am good with people, perhaps a little too good sometimes.

So I suppose my recent endeavors have taught me that I need to pay attention in life. At all times. I need to truly concentrate on everything around me. I can't live in my own world. And I need to do my damndest. I will self-motivate myself, and I will fucking amaze myself. Because I feel like progress has knocked on my door, and I have already opened.
conundrum

(wo)man [23 Jun 2009|09:57am]
I like strong women.

I was thinking today of all the strong women out there. Or, who have been out there at a time and where we would be if we hadn't had them. For instance, Joan of Arc, Gloria Feldt, Ayn Rand, Hilary Clinton, Mia Hamm, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Blackwell, Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, Tina Fey, or Gloria Steinem. We wouldn't be where we are today without these women. Then I think about the women in my own life who are strong and powerful: Abby ---- who can absolutely do anything a man can do...and probably better, and stronger. Melissa ----- who is strong, powerful, won't be overcome, and doesn't back down. She says what's on her mind regaurdles, no matter who is needing to hear it. Not to mention using her intelligence as a tool. Pamela ---- who is strong both physically and mentally, but knows technology better than any man I have ever met. Or, Amber whom I just met and don't know very well at all but she is seems to go to the beat of her own drum, enjoys "boy things" and is confident in that. These women are wonderful, powerful women. I really care about these women. In my mind, it's these women who are our future. These are the women that men would prefer to opress because of their strength. These are the women who get called "bitches" or "dykes" because they either raise their voice like men, or because they enjoy doing things men enjoy doing. God forbid a woman can be just as good or better at something than a man. When that happens they automatically have to throw in the name calling. Even though, realistically, men do those things too...so does that make them a "bitch" or a "dyke"? Well, I think so.

At some point in time that part of my brain that had the floating question mark as to weather or not women could do everything men could do just dropped off the face of the planet. Because, YES. Yes they can. I've begun digging deep, into the core part of me to try and pull out some shred of confidence to use. Not only to make me feel better, but to use as a protective shield, and wall against those who try to make me feel inferior. Like my boss, for example. I have found those shreds, and learned the tricks and techniques to build it to a castle, rather than just a shack. I am learning how to walk the walk, talk the talk, and put off whatever it is that I need to put off. I think I am doing a pretty good job thus far. It's an uphill battle. But I will get there. Don't you fret.

And I really hope all these strong women out there that I know, and one's I don't know never back down. I hope they realize how important they are, and how much I love them.
conundrum

Incubation [19 Jun 2009|04:27pm]
And I wonder what it takes to get out of this fish tank.

I want to make a mixed cd, probably for someone, with my entire heart in it.
conundrum

[29 Apr 2009|09:53pm]
Lets sing songs of plenty. Lets open our hearts, our minds, and our ears. Lets think positive things, because it's a new idea, a new way of trying. "I don't know about tonight." I said. Because sometimes I feel like a sinking ship. Sacrificing so much of my life to make these things work. I have so many dreams, and aspirations I have thrown to fly in the wind. But I found them floating around in my cup the other day, and decided to bring this wooden body to life. One year older, one year more beautiful she is. Over, and over, I repeat those same words..."I can't believe you're 24..."
conundrum

Something to say [29 Apr 2009|09:49pm]
Let's listen to acoustic songs. Cats on laps, sleeping, loving us deeper than we love ourselves. I am here, I don't really know why. Maybe I just wish I was out doing something. I've learned to no longer ask questions anymore. What happened to keeping it cryptic? Is it just that we fight for so long to learn how to even express our emotions that when we get that, we are concerned with taking it back? Or do our emotions just get too complex. My life feels good. It's been so long since I have honestly felt good. And lately, I just do. My eyes are tired, and I have a headache. Which is a rarity, kind of shocking I do suppose. I have these dreams of guitars, super glue on my fingers, and soar fingers. I have plans tomorrow with people who I never thought I'd make plans with. I am moving forward, back again, but then forward some more. Because that's how we live now days.
conundrum

Sign me up. [31 Mar 2009|02:57pm]
"Now just how deep do I have to cut to stop this sinking ship?"

I get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need.

How long has it been since I've actually spent time on myself, as a person, or a biological being? That all changes now.

By the way I found a blog way better than LJ. Posterous. Very cool. Very high tech and new and such. I guess those things are good, sometimes.

So long LJ.
conundrum

Vacation Nation [27 Mar 2009|01:30pm]
Melissa and I got back from California a few days ago. We had a lot of fun. We went to Disneyland, Balboa Beach, Los Angeles, San Diego, and many other places. It was just nice to do all the things we did when we lived there.

We're super stoked to move back down there, and I think my parents are going to help us to some extent. At least, with buying plane tickets so we can come and view apartments and such. We aren't going to be able to comfortably move until probably January or so, but I am super stoked. I don't think either of us realized how much we actually do like California. Go figure. Also, we're caught between San Diego and Los Angeles. I think we are leaning more toward San Diego, though. It's not that much more expensive than Bellingham.

Our plane stopped in Utah which is officially the scariest place on Earth. Fuck Lake Elsinore being shitty. The landing of the plane was even boring. There were so many Mormons. I wasn't expecting to see so many in an airport, in the largest city in the state. No one would even sit on our row in the terminal. What a bunch of weirdos. It was kind of fun to piss them off in a way, by being obviously lesbian.

Melissa and I's wedding is coming up and I am having trouble with the invitations. I was going to go to the library because I needed to print something off for them, but I couldn't even find my library card. The wedding isn't until June so I guess we have some time.
conundrum

Sunshine and Donald Duck. [21 Feb 2009|10:08am]
In March we are going to California. This time we are going for a week, both Melissa & I, we're going to go to Disneyland, Taco Mexico, Souplantation, and all the other wonderful things we would do. We're going to take shit loads of pictures because we are going to live our lives and enjoy ourselves.

For the very first time it seems I am actually getting certain things together and pieces are falling in correct order.

We watch a lot of movies, and we are trying to make a list of all the different movies we have seen, just one's that we have both seen, too. It's a huge list so far and we aren't even half done.

We've made up our minds. We've decided to move to San Diego. Fuck Seattle. It's too snobby, and while I have somewhat of an emotional attatchment to it, it's not the place I want to live. We're hoping to get out of here before the Olympics. If not, maybe a few months after.

We've been shown grace.

I crave the sun.

Apparently when you grow up you learn to take things from the place you're from, the place you go to and live at, and then you mesh those together and come up with something that I have a feeling is much more suitable. Thus: San Diego.

We had four days off for Valentine's Day, and it was like double cherry pie.
conundrum

Last night [05 Nov 2008|01:09pm]
Last night made history. And I was a part of it.

We went to this party at a hotel hosted by the Democrats of Bellingham, and Rick Larsen. It was kick-ass. We ended up at this table with this lady in her 40's from New York wearing a fake leopard skin blazer.  She was with two of her friends, a quiet women, and a guy who was very interesting. She was saying how she won't wear real fur, and we got into conversation. She was fucking hilarious, loud, and called republicans asshole hicks. Which was awesome. She was so cool. She really liked us. She was glad to see young people voting. We all talked shit on John McCain and Palin. Well, we saw that Obama won Virginia, which was huge. Some drunk guy behind us took my chair and was standing on it to see the tv. Then we began counting down for the polls in California, Oregon, and Washington to close. So as we were counting down, we were all standing. We got to about the number three, and all of the sudden Obama's face flashes on the television, saying "SENATOR OBAMA HAS WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!" And just like that. Just in that moment. In that moment that it took for everyone to comprehend it was over. That he had won, that there wasn't horseplay going on, but that he was now our new president. Everyone was so ecstatic. Everyone was cheering and hugging. It felt like a mixture of being in absolute shock, an orgasm, and like something just happened that saved your life. Melissa and I looked at eachother dumbstruck. Tears in our eyes. We hugged the interesting guy next to us, who by now we knew for a good 30 minutes. Just like that by 8:05 Obama had won. 333 to 135. It made me cry in a way I've never cried before. Like you think you are going to have your entire life begin to collapse, and suddenly you find salvation. Because that's almost exactly what it was. Everyone, I think, was feeling that way. I've never seen so many crying, happy, victorious faces.

We ran across the street to tell one of Melissa's co-workers that Obama had won. She was ecstatic. On the way out we ran into our neighbor, Ashley.

"Do you know what just happened?" I asked.

"No. What?"

"He won. Obama is president."

"Like...like he's doing good?"

"No. He won. That's it. He's our new president."

"Oh my god, I have goosebumps. I'm shaking!"

Then we went back to the party and McCain gave his concesion speech, which was actually very well done. Then Obama came on and gave his acceptance speech. This was phenominal. Because he actually mentioned gay people. This was phenominal, because he actually said "This is your victory, those of you who donated 5, 10 dollers when you didn't have it." Which was us. It was phenominal because he said "This is your victory, those of you who stood up against your generations apathy." Which is us. He talked like a president. Him and his family came out on stage, in such shock. There they were, the first African American family ever to be in the white house. The first black president ever. Oprah was in the audience with everyday Jo's. Crying. So was Jesse Jackson, he looked stunned. I was stunned, and so was everyone in that room. Yet so concerned if he would walk off that stage with a bullet in his chest.

We left the party, and went downtown cheering. We opened sparkling cider. We then saw a march. A huge march of people downtown on the corner of Holly and Railroad. Melissa said to stop, and we got out and we all began cheering. Almost EVERYONE that went by was cheering for Obama, young, old, black, white, asian, hispanic, gay, straight, lesbian, everyone. We then marched. We marched everywhere! Shouting Obama's name. Augustine was there, so happy. We had a great time. We went out in the streets. We were met with cops when we got torward the top of Holly, and you know what? The cop in the car gave us the peace sign and let us keep going. It went on for hours and hours.

Obama is our new president. My faith in mankind is not completely gone. We are moving forward. We are actually moving forward in America.

Fuck Bush, fuck Palin. Alright for the America I want to be a part of.
conundrum

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]